oops_did_i_do_that

Fake your own kidnapping. By aliens. That way nobody can be mad at you because it was clearly out of your control. Bonus: you get to be on the news.

Train your plants to hide on command. I'm not saying it's possible, I'm saying you haven't tried hard enough. Plants are smarter than we give them credit for.

Pack your things, move to a remote island, and start a new life as a goat farmer. It's the only logical step forward at this point.